Resistance…I thought I was just hopeless

I have been making great strides towards my next adventure. I have a plan. Which is something. But there are some other strides I’m taking. These strides aren’t very visible from the outside. Not even very visible to me.

But the strides are being made.

I’ve been clearing away trailer-loads of inner-resistance to putting my plan in action.

I knew change would be hard. At first I pretended it wouldn’t be. Then I begrudgingly accepted it would be. 

Now I’m living it.

Unfortunately my resistance looks like garden-variety hopelessness. Despite telling myself I should feel excited about implementing my plan, I just feel mopey.

My plan intermittently seems like the most ridiculous/boring/useless plan. I wonder to myself what I was thinking.

And then my comfortable, well-paying, soul-destroying job rears itself. “Hey, Sarah, why don’t you just stay here a bit longer. You don’t have enough money to leave me yet anyway. When you think about it, you’re so bad with money that you probably shouldn’t walk away from the security I offer you.”

And yesterday the funk came. I just felt hopeless. And despondent. And bored with everything. I came home from the office at a reasonable hour and some time up my sleeve.  Usually I would take the opportunity to work on my plan. But I just didn’t want to. I couldn’t see the point. I’d been thinking about this plan for so long and it still felt exactly 1 million miles away. And it seemed boring. Why would I want to risk everything on something that would be just as boring as everything else?

So I moped. I watched 30 Rock and Portlandia. I drank hot chocolate. I listened to This American Life while I fell asleep. I hated myself for having every opportunity and squandering it all. For being the person who gets in a funk.

Then I woke up and it was not completely better but less funky.

Other times I’ve dug myself out of a funk with some motivational tricks and shortcuts to feeling inspired (pumping up my tires). This time I’m facing up to the funk and saying, “I get it now. You’re the resistance everyone talks about. I’m going to get to know you and move through you rather than try to dodge you.”

So here’s what I know:

I have a plan.

I don’t need to do anymore planning for a while. I’m open to adjustments to the plan. But I don’t need to spend my hours there.

I’m keen to make something concrete happen so I can tell myself, “See, it’s happening!”

I need to notice the strides instead of only noticing how far it all is in the distance.

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